How faceplants, forgotten gear, and questionable life choices taught me to love the messy side of hiking
The Day I Became a Human Slip ‘N Slide
Let me set the scene: Me, age 19, attempting the Tongariro Alpine Crossing in New Zealand wearing sneakers better suited for grocery runs than volcanic rock. Halfway up Devil’s Staircase, rain turned the trail into a mudslide. I spent more time on my butt than my feet, arriving at the summit looking like a caffeinated swamp monster. But here’s the thing—my worst hiking fails became my best teachers. Here’s how spectacularly messing up made me a smarter (and slightly less muddy) hiker.
Fail #1: The “I Don’t Need a Map” Disaster
The Blunder: “It’s just a quick forest walk!” I declared, leaving the trail map in my car. Two hours later, I was circling the same suspiciously familiar tree while texting friends: “If I die, avenge me against that owl.”
The Lesson:
- Always Carry Navigation: Even on “easy” trails. Now I stash a mini compass on my keychain and use the Maps.me app offline.
- Pro Tip: If you do get lost, hug a creek—most eventually lead to civilization (or at least a road).
Fail #2: The Great Water Bottle Heist
The Blunder: Forgot to refill my hydration bladder before a 10-miler. By mile 6, I was eyeing murky puddles like a desperate camel.
The Lesson:
- Water Math: 500ml per hour minimum in moderate temps. Double in summer.
- Backup Plan: Now I pack purification tablets and a collapsible cup. Yes, even for “short” hikes.
Fail #3: The Snackpocalypse of 2022
The Blunder: Brought a single protein bar for an all-day hike. It fell in a stream. I ate cold baked beans from the can. Don’t ask.
The Lesson:
- Calorie Density: 100-150 calories per hour keeps hanger at bay.
- Snack Strategy: Use a waist pack for quick access. Pro move: Mix sweet & salty (think pretzels + chocolate chips).
Fail #4: The Fashionista vs. The Trail
The Blunder: Wore white linen pants because “aesthetic.” They became see-through during a river crossing. A family of hikers applauded.
The Lesson:
- Dress Code: Quick-dry fabrics > Instagram trends.
- Emergency Kit: Now I stash lightweight rain pants in my pack—they double as a dignity shield.
Fail #5: The Midnight Misadventure
The Blunder: Started a sunset hike without a headlamp. Spent two hours shuffling downhill by phone flashlight, praying for no drop bears.
The Lesson:
- Light Rule: Always carry a headlamp, even for daytime hikes.
- Sunset Math: Turn around 1 hour before dusk. Your future self (and phone battery) will thank you.
Fail #6: The “I Can Outrun the Weather” Fiasco
The Blunder: Ignored storm clouds because “I’m tough.” Got pelted by hail the size of gumballs.
The Lesson:
- Weather Check: Refresh forecasts hourly on mountain trails.
- Bail Early: There’s no shame in retreating. Summit FOMO < hypothermia.
The Beauty of Beautiful Disasters
These facepalm moments taught me that hiking mastery isn’t about avoiding mistakes—it’s about laughing through them. Here’s how to fail forward:
Step 1: Admit You’re a Hot Mess
- Confession Time: Text your hiking buddy: “I forgot the [insert crucial item]. Please mock me later.”
- Pro Tip: Duct tape fixes everything. Wrap some around your water bottle for emergencies.
Step 2: Improvise Like a MacGyver
- Gear Hacks:
- No toilet paper? Use smooth leaves (triple-check for poison ivy).
- Broken boot lace? Weave paracord from your pack’s pull tabs.
Step 3: Document for Humiliation… Er, Education
- Photo Proof: Snap pics of your fails. They’ll be comedy gold at future campfires.
- Share Wisdom: Post your blunders online with #HikingFails. You’ll save others from repeating them.
The Trail Therapist’s Couch
Hiking fails are nature’s way of keeping us humble. Every wrong turn, forgotten snack, and fashion catastrophe reminds us that perfection is boring. The trails that humble us also teach us resilience, creativity, and the fine art of laughing at ourselves.
Your Turn: Share your most spectacular hiking fail in the comments! Bonus points if it involved wildlife, questionable outfits, or snack-related despair.
P.S. Learn from my mistakes with Essential Hiking Gear You Can’t Forget and How to Survive a Hiking Trip. Spoiler: Bring more snacks than you think.